I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
