we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
