If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Randomize
