My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
