I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
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