the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
