my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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