I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Randomize
