I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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