we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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