You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
