final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
