you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Randomize
