She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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