I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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