9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
