K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize