I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
