"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
