please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
