I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
