Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
