im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
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