Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Randomize
