the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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