Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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