good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
