were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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