so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize
