Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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