I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
