Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
