I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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