my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
