i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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