his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
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