help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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