He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
