I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Randomize
