Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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