peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
