Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
