we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
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