Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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