guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Randomize
