if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
