So gin and wine won't be happening again
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
