I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
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