did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
