My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Randomize
