My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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