i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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