I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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