I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
