Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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