I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Randomize
