my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
