When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
